Self Care and Support for a Better Attitude and Easier Adjustment

 

Losing a Friend in Germany

It was not an easy two weeks after leaving the hospital and recovering from the stress.  I know how stress affects my body and I can feel my body feeling out of control.  Also, I lost a  lovely friend, Liz Davis, last Sunday March 7th to cancer.  She was one of my first American friends I met in Erlangen!  We had a lot of fun when we met at the International Women's Group Christmas Party in December of 2019.  I remember her big smile and we were both just so happy to find each other!  We met for coffee to really get to know each other, and she opened up about her cancer diagnosis too.  But what I loved about Liz was her positivity and her passion for travel.  She and her family moved to Erlangen from Singapore and was excited to explore and learn about German life.  She was the one who inspired me to stay positive by telling me funny stories of her own cultural adjustments and interesting episodes!  She said to me very clearly, "I will keep smiling!  I will not let Germans stop me from smiling every day!"  And she kept going until her very last days....I will try to honor her and stay positive and more appreciate of my life here....

During corona we could not meet much and I regret we didn’t do more before corona. We texted a lot and talked also.  She updated me a about her treatment. But I cooked Bibimbap for her during chemotherapy and she was happy.  Her husband and boys will cook with me some time soon and we will remember Liz with good food and loving memories! 

Starting Therapy....Huge Step for Our Family

Psychotherapy was never something I considered, ever.  Until spring of 2019 when my daughter got really sick and we needed help.  Marc was still in Germany because he started his job in November of 2018 and I stayed back to let the kids finish their school year.  After numerous discussion and thoughts and more, we also decided I would stay one extra year to let Nicolas finish high school in Wisconsin.  So, that he would graduate normally like his American friends and then move to Germany to either do a gap year or start university in Europe.  Sometimes plans don't work out....and Kaya got sick and we had to get help immediately.  I had to manage the situation right away and with the help of my close friends, she started therapy.  The therapist also wanted our family to join for a few sessions.  Marc joined in one day from Germany over the phone and after he flew in one long weekend, we all joined in person.  

I know that we as a family were nervous and not too excited to be doing therapy.  After all, in Korean culture, and many others, it is seen as a setback, a failure and something is wrong with you.  My parents were also quite surprised and wanted to know if it was really necessary.  They were skeptical at first but somehow we all realized that this was the best way for our daughter to get better.

Then we moved to Erlangen in July and I already made an appointment from the US for a new therapist for my daughter.  It was all a bit confusing and bureaucratic but we finally met with a private therapist and a university clinic therapist.  Now she is with another therapist in Nuremberg and she has been going there once a week.  We still have up and down days and it will be long term process.  But here we are together and dealing with the problems together although teens don’t always want to hang out with their parents. I understand but sometimes it is so hard.  

I also decided to start therapy for myself here in Germany.  I was terribly depressed starting in November of 2019 and it continued for at least a few months.  December was particularly difficult so that is when I decided to meet more people, invite my neighbors and international women and a few German women I connected with at school.  One day I completely broke down at the international school after a parent meeting in front of my dear sweet neighbor and friend from India.  She just listened and was there for me.  After her kind invitation for Chai, I spent two hours pouring my heart out and complained about living here.  She shared a very interesting and personal story as well and I could totally relate.  She was depressed also when she arrived in Germany almost 10 years ago!  She could not handle it and left back to India.  Then she returned again with her children and husband for job opportunities.  She still has difficulties at times and shared that German life for immigrants is not easy.  But she also assured me it does get better.....One day, hopefully.  I also reached out to my former Korean neighbor. She also had severe depression after moving to Germany and gave me some information for her family therapist as well. She ultimately left with her German husband and son.  I know I am not alone....and I will manage with the support of my family, new friends here, and my therapist! 

After corona numbers were a bit better and lockdown was less strict in July 2020, I finally met my therapist for an in person appointment.  Although I was nervous, it turned out way less scary than expected.  She was soft spoken, calming, caring and really thoughtful.  She was a younger woman and was not a full therapist, I am not sure exactly how those things work in Germany,  but she was working under the guidance of full professors/therapists.  Anyways, I felt good about her.  She studied in England and speaks fluent English, which is so important for our communication.  Since July, I have met her in person and online again in the fall, and still going to therapy.  Today was my day back after a long break.  It felt relaxed and just so needed.  I had stress from the hospital stay, feeling of homesickness again, and stress with the kids at home.  I also was becoming more negative about Germany.  But today, I regained my focus on positivity and also thought long and hard about Liz, who is no longer here to enjoy Germany....Life is precious and unpredictable, I keep saying to myself....Marc also reminds me to enjoy the moment.  Many friends from the US and some friends here have reached out to me.  It feels like I am taking the right step, one day at a time.  

Stay well and please take good care of your physical and mental needs!